Mary-Alice has three trade shows in two weeks.
She’s excited to promote her membership site for entrepreneurs.
And struggling to describe her site’s features in a way that differentiates it from all the other social media sites.
Here’s what she started with:
mosaicHUB is an online business community that connects entrepreneurs to each other and to service providers and resources to help them launch, run, and grow their businesses. People can post questions in the open forum, find answers in our resource center, and cast hubVotes to recommend great providers using our community driven ranking system.
While this is an accurate description of the features.
It’s not very engaging.
Because it doesn’t give any indication of how entrepreneurs actually interact with the site.
In fact, it could describe describes any one of a number of membership sites.
That’s what happens when you generalize.
And even worse, it’s missing the most crucial element of an effective Elevator Pitch.
A strong Call to Action.
In Mary-Alice’s case, it’s very straightforward.
Her goal is to get people to sign up for a free account.
And she never mentions it.
After going through our one hour Elevator Pitch Coaching process, she now says:
If I asked you to think of the biggest challenge entrepreneurs face, you’d probably think of finding funding or protecting intellectual property. What we’ve found is that entrepreneurs crave a reliable, constant, trusted community for support and guidance. Let me give you an example. One of our members recently posted a question to our open forum: “How do I stay motivated?” Several community members offered ideas and suggestions. The next day I received a personal note from this member, enthusiastically thanking me for running a community that keeps him focused and motivated as he moves his business forward. My name is Mary-Alice, and I’d like to invite you to join our mosaicHUB community. It’s free and only takes 30 seconds to sign up at mosaicHUB.com.
What do you think?
Which of Mary-Alice’s Elevator Pitches do you find more engaging?